Can you tell me about your idea with the poem"The Jewelry Box"?
Q.The Jewelry Box Curtains, blown by a vespertine gale, Applaud movements of the coryphée, That sentry for everything that's frail, As well as the things of beauty saved. She dances to some melodic chimes, Which haunt the Summer evening's air. She jumps, leaps, stretches, and whirls in time, Unheedful of her sentinel care. Keepsakes, like our beliefs, must withstand The scrutiny of what must be kept Or what, without value, must be canned - Or call our value system inept. And still the ballerina dances. Doing pirouettes to an old song, Paying no mind to audiences Not heeding soloist's rights or wrongs. And yet, with time, every life must fade. When this life, by key, has come to end, She answers destiny unafraid. The chest is closed by a gust of wind. I would be interested in knowing a better description of a dancer, without using ballet terms, especially one that just turns or just goes up and down. The term "at large" also means "in general". I like the word play against "air" (snicker). However, I agree that it does distract. More importantly, I did not like the use of "care", even though it means "watchful oversight", as in "care of the neighborhood". Can you tell me about your idea with the poem?
A.The Jewelry Box The ballerina in the jewelry box - the idea of her being a kind of sentinel were interesting. But between the forced rhymes, your failure to explore some of the great possible images in this theme and your philosophical warblings that didn't feel like an inevitable progression, this poem didn't work well for me. More specifics down -- >Curtains blown by such an evening’s gale 'such an evening's gales' as what? You're making the image much more cumbersome than it needs to be. 'curtains blown by the evening's gale' is much more direct. >Applaud movements of the coryphée, nice enough >That sentry for everything that’s frail, >As well as the things of beauty saved. this couplet is slow in giving image or information. Indeed, it feels like padding to get your rhymes in. >She dances to some melodic chimes, the 'some' again is padding, as is 'melodic'. >Which haunt the vespertine air at large. It shows too clearly when you use a thesaurus to look up a new word without really understanding it. 'the air at large'?
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